


I Never Said Goodbye

by MalkMcJorma



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-17
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:34:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,353
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27067222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MalkMcJorma/pseuds/MalkMcJorma
Summary: A short "AU of an AU" ficlet in the "Sunray" universe. When the mortals are gone, what's left for the immortals?





	I Never Said Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> A stream of consciousness letter written by Rowan when it's finally time to leave the Scoobies behind for good. There are, maybe, some hints to events that may take place in the main storyline. But this is basically just a snapshot of some of my ideas at the time of writing.

None of you ever saw the real me. It took skill but, ultimately, all you saw was what I wanted you to see. The truth was buried deep inside. You were all focusing on the exterior you all thought was so beautiful. For me it was my face; always had been, always will be. You were all beautiful, but you regarded me as something extraordinary. No-one ever explained to me, why. I looked at myself in the mirror time and time again seeing just myself. Ok, my eyes were bigger than yours, the colour was something not generally seen in human eyes, but I was just me. I wanted to be like you, to blend in, but was forced to rely on an illusion to hide myself or rely on artificial tools, like sunglasses, to raise up a wall between myself and those I wanted to approach.

Buffy. You were the first to approach me with open curiosity. Your face was an open book and your fascination was so clearly written on your features. You were the leader, ultimately the Golden General, but you always trusted me when the doubts became too heavy to bear. Did you think I was better than you just because of what I had been? You were the anchor, the foundation of the small group of teenagers who ended up heading the new Council. You questioned with your eyes but was never disappointed if I didn’t have the answers. Did you love me? I guess you did but you never tried to get in the way.

Rupert. Friend, Guardian. You opened your house to me without reservation. You treated me like the son you never had even though I was always the elder. The years never made a difference. Your unwavering trust of me was the only reason the Coven didn’t destroy me in the end when the Hegemon’s possession made me do all those things. The distasteful jobs I sometimes had to order the special units to do in my capacity as the Head of Special Operations shook you deeply, yet you never judged. It was necessary and I always took full responsibility. But there remain some unsaid things about some of the jobs I did or ordered to be done; things that still haunt me, things I judged you were never ready to face. I knew about your Ripper days, but even those were nothing compared to what I had to face when the Soft Places were sealed. How do you justify a genocide for the greater good?

Willow. You once sacrificed yourself to stop me and, in the attempt, lost yourself. Xander brought you back but you were never the same after that. You beat me, fair and square, but were unable to find yourself afterwards. The magic owned you. I learned, a long time ago, the price you had to pay for the power you wielded. You never saw me fully utilize what I had available. You were awed of the Elemental Magic I could do but I never told you it was just the tip of the iceberg. I had learned my lesson long ago and the hardest way imaginable. I think Tara was the only one to see it, but she never said anything. I once talked with Gwen about the corruption of power and used you as an example. I never wanted it to turn that way but, ultimately, I guess it was inevitable. I’m sorry, my sister in power.

Xander. You held me in awe, more than anyone else in the Scooby gang. I guess you saw in me the leader, the commander your military self so much yearned for. You were my friend, but I think you still had a slight crush on me even though you were always mentioning your non-gayness when you touched or hugged me. I would have given it to you, had you just asked. I told you once I was neither gay nor straight, but you never caught in on the hint. You went from a doomed relationship to another, never letting go of the ghost of Anya. Dawn was so much in love with you, but you just couldn’t make yourself see it. I could have been your rebound, but you suppressed that side of yourself all the way to the end. You were always the one to see, even with one eye, but you never saw what was in front of yourself.

Aryane. The years don’t mean anything to us. I know you are still there, somewhere. You have no idea what I felt when I first faced The Hegemon after my long sleep, and he was not wearing your face. I have loved and will probably love again but you are always there in the back of my mind. We shared something that no-one in this time can comprehend. The more I think about them, the more ambiguous you motives appear to me. Were you the Betrayer of Hope or were you working by a higher agenda that I was never let in on? I saw your eyes then when I doomed you to an eternal imprisonment in the Lower realm but could never comprehend the sadness in them. Eternal? What is eternal to us? Have I forgiven you? Come back to me, as you were then, and ask me that yourself.

Aurora. Little Star of the Morning. Like Aryane you are probably still there. I thought for a long time that, as Dawn, you would eventually remember but the Monks never considered you and me as a priority. Every day, seeing you look at me like a stranger was a like a knife had been twisted in my heart. The cruelness of the Monks was something I could never comprehend. You had shown me what you could be as a hologram and then seeing you wearing that face in the flesh and not recognizing me was a constant torture. The day Dawn and I met for the first time was so painful. To everyone else it was just like we had separated that morning. But when she came home, we were just two strangers. I will never lose hope that one day I might hear you say my name again.

Faith. My Sunray. Our time together was short, but we loved enough for a lifetime. These words are the hardest to write as you’re the one true love I have lost permanently. We never talked about how it felt for you to love someone who, in all likelihood, would outlive you. As a Slayer your life expectancy was never the longest, but you bore your destiny with pride and dignity. Every look, every touch, every word told me how deeply you felt for me but there was always the underlying sadness that our time together wouldn’t be forever. I was so proud of you when you overcame the Mayor’s temptations and chose me. Later we went through several hells together; first a real, physical one and then multiple imaginary ones. You never came fully back to yourself after the first one, but that didn’t make me love you any less. I promised to be there for you always; through the good days and the bad days when you were a danger even to yourself. You always recognized me, even in the darkest hours of your own private hell. But now I must leave you too behind, my Sunray.

Angel and Spike are waiting for me to finish this entry. It’s been 87 years since we first met and now it’s just us. Which one of us will be the one to write these words for the other two? We have had so much and lost so much, together. Whatever happens, wherever our paths may take us, we will be there as long as the green earth circles the sun. For me it’s just a notion; for them it’s everything they have. Time. I feel it blowing past me like a wind, not touching me, not anymore. I left you all in time. Now; it’s just a word to me.

Goodbye.


End file.
